Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You can't motorboat a personality
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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