Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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