bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
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