Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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