i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize