So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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