dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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