Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
