my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
