I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
