He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
