So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
