I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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