She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
