i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
