i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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