My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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