Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
