Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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