watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
