Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I have aggressive nipples.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
