i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
