Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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