if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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