I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
