Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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