Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
