I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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