I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
