Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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