end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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