yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
P.S. I can't hear my feet
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize