i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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