i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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