He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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