she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
