i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
