All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
