Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Fuck appropriateness.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
