Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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