I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
