Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
