i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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