happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
