He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
