So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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