Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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