I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
