You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
