I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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