I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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