20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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