So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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