Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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