Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my being single is dangerous.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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