Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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