Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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