Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
