Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
