Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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